What's the big deal?

This "drinking toddler" at the Phillies game... I don't see the problem. I was drinking beer at a much younger age, and I became Babe Ruth. So if you have a problem with that kid, I guess you have a problem with me too. For that matter, you probably also have a problem with baseball. And America. And freedom.

So which is it? Do we celebrate a world with Babe Ruth and toddlers who drink beer? Or do we shut it all down and move to communist Russia? Your move.

Saying hello to John Wooden

It's not often that I get to welcome another legend into my mist, but today I got to meet the Babe Ruth of Basketball Coaches: John Wooden. What a classy guy! I thought for sure he would want to chit chat with me and find out what's what out here, but all he really wanted was to spend some time with Nellie, his late wife. Can't blame the guy, I guess. He's written her all those love letters and now I think he wants to read them each to her one at a time. He doesn't realize that she already knows what they say.

Anyhoo, I'm sure we'll actually get to talk and get to know each other. I'm sure he's going to be very impressed with me, and I expect I'll be impressed with him too.

The blown call

Everybody's talking about the blown call by that umpire last night that cost Armando Galarraga his perfect game last night. Apparently Commissioner Bud is actually considering overturning the call and awarding the guy a perfect game posthumously. That would be hilarious and it would really piss me off.

Why? Because an umpire cost me a perfect game back in '17 and if Bud is going to award Gallarragga the perfecto, he should give me one too.

Maybe you know the story about that perfect game. I was the starting pitcher, and the umpire, some douche named Brick Owens, called a ball four on a pitch that was totally over the plate. I was pissed, and then that douche started jawing at me, call me all sorts of names, so I confronted him and we got into a little scuffle. For no good reason, it was me who got thrown out of the game.

Well, ol' Ernie Shore came into the game in relief. The baserunner got thrown out stealing, and Ernie retired the next 26 hitters straight for a perfect game. The Lords of Baseball have since decided that it's not truly a perfecto because he didn't actually start the game, but that's just a technicality.

If Bud is going to overturn the Gallarragga call, then he needs to go back and call that batter out on called strike three. Then it would have been ME who would have retired all 27 batters in that game, not Ernie Shore. And it would have been MY name in the record books as one of the few guys who ever threw a perfecto.

Commissioner Bud: The world is waiting!

Trip to alternate universe: Sarah Palin is commissioner

Sarah Palin is in the news today, blaming environmentalists for the Gulf oil spill. Here's what she said on Twitter:

Extreme Greenies:see now why we push"drill,baby,drill"of known reserves&promising finds in safe onshore places like ANWR? Now do you get it?

It was only a few months ago that she was pushing for more offshore oil drilling:

What we need is action — action that results in the job growth and revenue that a robust drilling policy could provide. And let’s not forget that while Interior Department bureaucrats continue to hold up actual offshore drilling from taking place, Russia is moving full steam ahead on Arctic drilling, and China, Russia, and Venezuela are buying leases off the coast of Cuba.

A contradiction? Not to an America-loving American like Sarah Palin. You must be an un-American greenie to see a problem.

As I've mentioned before on numerous occasions, out here where I am, I have access to an infinite number of alternate universes, and believe it or not, there is an alternate universe where Sarah Palin served as baseball commissioner during the time when she and the other owners conspired to keep blacks from playing major league baseball. Soon after she retired, Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier.

I went to that universe and dug up a telegram from ex-Commissioner Palin, and here's what she had to say about Robinson winning the Rookie of the Year Award and leading his team to the World Series:

Black people of America: see now why we always were pushing for you to join us in the major leagues and stop playing in your own leagues? Now do you get it? What took you so long?

Sarah Palin: Twisting reality to suit her needs since 1947.