I first got interested in politics during the 1928 presidential campaign, when I heartily supported Democratic Gov. Al Smith (true story!). I didn't know shit about the issues or personalities, and everybody wondered why I was butting into the race. They probably believed it was because Ol' Al was from New York and I was a Yankee. Others thought it had something to do with Smith's pledge to repeal prohibition.
I assume the election was held in November that year, and I heard later that Al had lost, but I had just won my 6th World Series a few weeks earlier, so I was probably too busy getting bizzay with the ladies to give a damn. Some Republican named Hoobert Heever got elected, caused the Great Depression, and faded into obscurity. Or so I heard.
Enough time has passed that now the true story can be told about how I came to support Al Smith. Here's what went down: A few months before the election, representatives from both the Democrats and Republicans approached me for an endorsement. The Republicans took me out to a standard strip club/speakeasy and plied me with drinks and ladies.
It was looking pretty good for the Repubs until the next night, when the Democrats took me to a bondage-themed Hollywood nightclub, the likes of which I'd never seen before. I was sold! From that moment on, I shouted "Smith in '28!" to whoever would listen.
Now it looks like the tables have turned: it's the Repubs who are wooing donors at bondage-themed Hollywood nightclubs. Michael Steele, you're 82 years late!
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Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Just a few more days to go
Opening Day can't get here soon enough. I mean, as I've mentioned before, time has no meaning in my current state. It moves in all directions simultaneously, not just forward, so actually I've experienced the 2010 baseball season an infinite number of times already. I wish I could tell you what's going to happen so you can place bets and shit, but the truth is, I have no idea how it's going to turn out in your universe. Most likely, the Yankees are going to win another World Series, but you should check out the universe where Neifi Perez comes out of retirement to win the Triple Crown, the Pirates beat the Royals in the Series, and Glenn Beck goes back on his meds. Crazy, crazy stuff.
Anyhoo, I was perusing your internets and came across a feature on Sports Illustrated that highlights the 10 greatest baseball teams of all time, as chosen by some typist named Tom Verduchi. Every time I see these kinds of features, I always cringe a little because too many of them display an utter lack of respect for my 1927 Yankees. But in this case I have to give credit where it's due. Tom, you are my new favorite typist. You've even got my 1932 team in there for good measure. Meantime, you've only got two teams in there from the past 40 years. Way to suck up to us old-timers, Tommy!
Now, some people want to discount the accomplishments of my team because we played in the days before integration, and all the best black and Latino ballplayers were kept out of the game. My response to that is always the same: Yes, and some people also wear adult diapers because they like the way they feel. Do we trust those diaper-wearing freaks with the nuclear launch codes? No we don't. So why should we trust them with historical analysis? You see what I'm getting at.
Only five more days till Opening Day!
Anyhoo, I was perusing your internets and came across a feature on Sports Illustrated that highlights the 10 greatest baseball teams of all time, as chosen by some typist named Tom Verduchi. Every time I see these kinds of features, I always cringe a little because too many of them display an utter lack of respect for my 1927 Yankees. But in this case I have to give credit where it's due. Tom, you are my new favorite typist. You've even got my 1932 team in there for good measure. Meantime, you've only got two teams in there from the past 40 years. Way to suck up to us old-timers, Tommy!
Now, some people want to discount the accomplishments of my team because we played in the days before integration, and all the best black and Latino ballplayers were kept out of the game. My response to that is always the same: Yes, and some people also wear adult diapers because they like the way they feel. Do we trust those diaper-wearing freaks with the nuclear launch codes? No we don't. So why should we trust them with historical analysis? You see what I'm getting at.
Only five more days till Opening Day!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Jason Heyward, superstar
Everybody's asking me, Babe, Babe, what do you think if this young stud in Atlanta, Jason Heyward? He just got called up to the majors. Do you think he can hit 60?
And I'm saying, Sure, if you're talking about hitting 60 on his automobile!
Ha ha ha. That's exactly what I said, too. It came right out of my mouth. I didn't have to think about it and formulate a funny response. I'm just a natural at cracking wise, like I was a natural at hitting and pitching.*
*And fucking.
Anyway, big Jason is only 20 years old, which is actually one year older than I was when I joined the Boston Red Sox and began to change baseball forever. As great as Jason apparently is, I wouldn't bet on him changing baseball forever. There's only one guy who can claim credit for that, and it's me. A guy like me only comes along one time. Ever.
But Jason does look like a star to me. I like the cut of his jib. I like his approach. I like the way he carries himself. I like the way he goes up there and swings hard every time. He doesn't have any cheap at bats. He makes the pitchers work.
Kinda like me. You know what set me apart from every other hitter on the planet? I went up there every time knowing I was gonna hit a home run. Not thinking it, knowing it. And so when I was doing dramatic shit like hitting the first home run at Yankee Stadium, or hitting the first home run in the All-Star Game, or hitting three home runs in a World Series game, or calling my shot in the 1932 Series, or fucking the hottest dame at any party I ever attended, it was never a surprise to me. It was completely expected that it would happen. That was my approach to baseball and life, and it served me well. Goddamn, it served me well. I loved every goddamn minute of it.
So good luck, Jason Heyward.
And I'm saying, Sure, if you're talking about hitting 60 on his automobile!
Ha ha ha. That's exactly what I said, too. It came right out of my mouth. I didn't have to think about it and formulate a funny response. I'm just a natural at cracking wise, like I was a natural at hitting and pitching.*
*And fucking.
Anyway, big Jason is only 20 years old, which is actually one year older than I was when I joined the Boston Red Sox and began to change baseball forever. As great as Jason apparently is, I wouldn't bet on him changing baseball forever. There's only one guy who can claim credit for that, and it's me. A guy like me only comes along one time. Ever.
But Jason does look like a star to me. I like the cut of his jib. I like his approach. I like the way he carries himself. I like the way he goes up there and swings hard every time. He doesn't have any cheap at bats. He makes the pitchers work.
Kinda like me. You know what set me apart from every other hitter on the planet? I went up there every time knowing I was gonna hit a home run. Not thinking it, knowing it. And so when I was doing dramatic shit like hitting the first home run at Yankee Stadium, or hitting the first home run in the All-Star Game, or hitting three home runs in a World Series game, or calling my shot in the 1932 Series, or fucking the hottest dame at any party I ever attended, it was never a surprise to me. It was completely expected that it would happen. That was my approach to baseball and life, and it served me well. Goddamn, it served me well. I loved every goddamn minute of it.
So good luck, Jason Heyward.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Babe Ruth, Ace Reporter
This article in the New York Times has ignited a firestorm of controversy, all revolving around an important question: Did anti-Semitic pitchers cost Hank Greenberg a chance at breaking my home run record in 1938, when he finished with only 58?
The statistical record suggests that it did. How else to explain why Hank was walked way more often in September of the year he was trying to break my record than in earlier months:
Some random blogger doesn't buy the argument, but whatever.
Only I, the Babe, have access to the actual people involved in that home run chase. Over the last day, I have attempted to track down all the pitchers who faced him in that last month to ask them if they walked Hank because (a) he was Jewish, (b) they simply feared allowing a home run to a hot slugger, or (c) they loved and respected me so much that they couldn't bear to watch my record broken only 9 years after I had set the baseball world on fire with my glorious and amazing 60 home run season.
I wasn't able to find all of them. In fact, I was only able to find three: Jim Walkup, Jack Knott, and Pete Appleton. No, I had never heard of them either, but my intern, Tony, looked on the internet and found them. Anyhoo, I tracked them down asked them the above question, and each and every one of them chose answer (c).
Case closed.
The statistical record suggests that it did. How else to explain why Hank was walked way more often in September of the year he was trying to break my record than in earlier months:
Over all, Greenberg walked in 15.9 percent of his plate appearances through the end of August 1938. In September, that rate jumped to 20.4 percent. His walk rate was 14.5 percent in 1937 and 15 percent in 1939.
Some random blogger doesn't buy the argument, but whatever.
Only I, the Babe, have access to the actual people involved in that home run chase. Over the last day, I have attempted to track down all the pitchers who faced him in that last month to ask them if they walked Hank because (a) he was Jewish, (b) they simply feared allowing a home run to a hot slugger, or (c) they loved and respected me so much that they couldn't bear to watch my record broken only 9 years after I had set the baseball world on fire with my glorious and amazing 60 home run season.
I wasn't able to find all of them. In fact, I was only able to find three: Jim Walkup, Jack Knott, and Pete Appleton. No, I had never heard of them either, but my intern, Tony, looked on the internet and found them. Anyhoo, I tracked them down asked them the above question, and each and every one of them chose answer (c).
Case closed.
Reality check
You know how people sometimes make fun of celebrities for writing books even though they have never actually read one? (Not me, of course. By the time I wrote my autobiography, I had actually read one book. Well, a pamphlet really. It was about VD, given to me by my doctor. But I read the whole thing! I didn't just skim it, as Cobb liked to claim.)
Anyway, I'd like to know how Sarah Palin can host a reality TV show even though she does not actually live in reality.
Anyway, I'd like to know how Sarah Palin can host a reality TV show even though she does not actually live in reality.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Mauer re-signs with Twins, just as I thought he would
So it looks like Joe Mauer, the great catcher for the Twins, has signed a contract extension with the Twins for $184 million over 7 years, complete with a no-trade clause. That pretty much means he won't become a Yankee, like a lot of the "experts" predicted.
Lucky for you, dear readers, I was not one of those "experts" who made a prediction that I might have to go back and retract. I learned long ago never to make predictions, especially about the future.
With Mauer off the table, I think the Yanks will go back to their original plan and groom Jesus Montero to take over for George Posada when he retires. As for Mauer, now that he's stuck playing in obscurity in Minnesotapolis, I say, "Joe who?"
Lucky for you, dear readers, I was not one of those "experts" who made a prediction that I might have to go back and retract. I learned long ago never to make predictions, especially about the future.
With Mauer off the table, I think the Yanks will go back to their original plan and groom Jesus Montero to take over for George Posada when he retires. As for Mauer, now that he's stuck playing in obscurity in Minnesotapolis, I say, "Joe who?"
Friday, March 19, 2010
Confession: I'm like a chocoholic, but for politics
You may not know this about me, but after I died, I decided to start paying attention to a bunch of the shit in the world that I didn't give a crap about when I was alive. I mean, I had tons of free time, and as I learned quickly after I died, time has no meaning here where I am now. (To give you an idea of what I mean, by the time I finish this post, it will be last week in your world but 1953 in my world. Five minutes later -- if you can call it that -- it will be 2017.)
So I started learning about shit like animal husbandry, Esperanto, and politics. I quickly became what you might call a “political junkie.”
I can’t resist weighing in the big political news down in the US of A: the health care debate. Democrats seem to think it’s a good idea to make it easier for everybody to afford health care. Republicans are saying that it brings us one step closer to communism and Nazism.
Who’s right? The Republicans, of course. As someone who lived through it, I can tell you that Lenin and Hitler specifically campaigned on providing health care to everybody. And then what happened? World War 2! Straight line.
Most historians agree that the #1 issue that caused the War was single-payer health care. Germany had it, the Allies didn’t, and we could NOT let it spread to the rest of the world. We had to make the world safe for insurance companies.
In fact, as part of the research for this blog post, I talked to lots of historians who believe that Germany lost the war BECAUSE of the inadequate health care they got from government-employed doctors. Does America really want to lose a world war simply so that a bunch of do-gooders can give poor people preventative health care and vaccines and operations and shit?
I’m dead and all, so I don’t have a dog in this fight, but my guess is that the answer should be no.
So I started learning about shit like animal husbandry, Esperanto, and politics. I quickly became what you might call a “political junkie.”
I can’t resist weighing in the big political news down in the US of A: the health care debate. Democrats seem to think it’s a good idea to make it easier for everybody to afford health care. Republicans are saying that it brings us one step closer to communism and Nazism.
Who’s right? The Republicans, of course. As someone who lived through it, I can tell you that Lenin and Hitler specifically campaigned on providing health care to everybody. And then what happened? World War 2! Straight line.
Most historians agree that the #1 issue that caused the War was single-payer health care. Germany had it, the Allies didn’t, and we could NOT let it spread to the rest of the world. We had to make the world safe for insurance companies.
In fact, as part of the research for this blog post, I talked to lots of historians who believe that Germany lost the war BECAUSE of the inadequate health care they got from government-employed doctors. Does America really want to lose a world war simply so that a bunch of do-gooders can give poor people preventative health care and vaccines and operations and shit?
I’m dead and all, so I don’t have a dog in this fight, but my guess is that the answer should be no.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Responding to the controversy
Lots of controversy about my last post predicting the future lineup of the Yankees in 2015. In fact, I daresay it's just about the biggest thing on the Internet right now, proving that when ol' Babe Ruth says something, people listen.
I'm getting a lot of flak about some of my predictions. Some people think Prince Albert Pujols is gonna be on the Yankees eventually, and others think Tim Lipscome is gonna be with the Yanks. I dunno. I just don't see it. I think they'll happily keep playing in the weaker league and pad their numbers on the way to the Hall of Fame. I don't blame 'em. I'd'a done it too if I'd had the chance, but without free agency, I was stuck with the Yankees until they turned me loose when I got old, those lying bastards. But I got over it and I forgive those assholes, who, I have it on good authority, are rotting in hell as we speak. At least Ed Barrow is.*
*True story: Do you know what Harry Frazee's nickname for Ed Barrow was? "Simon," as in Simon Legree from that book Uncle Tom's Cabin.** And did you know that Barrow let Harry call him that, even though he knew he was being compared to a greedy slaveowner? That should give you an idea of what a mo-fo he was.
** I never read the book or anything, but Moe Berg (back when I was still talking to him) told me the story. FYI in case you were wondering, it's about slaves and shit. Written in like 1776 or something.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the controversy over my prediction about the Yankees. My intern, whose name I don't know, maybe Timmy or Tommy or something, tells me that even Arrianna and Josh Marshall are talking about it, and I have no idea who they are. I assume the kid is telling me the truth.
Anyway, the prediction. So most of the people who emailed me about my post agree that Mauer, Kemp, Greinke, and the others are destined to become Yankees. That's not really the controversial part.
The controversial part is whether it's "good" for baseball that the Yankees are going to get so many great players. For example, here's a letter from a reader known as RD:
Dude, first of all, you shouldn't admit to anyone that you follow curling. Second of all, you are an idiot. Third of all, you are a whiner. Fourth of all, what's wrong with the Yankees winning pennant after pennant? Fifth of all, what's your problem? Did your girlfriend leave you for a Yankee or something? Or maybe did the Yankees promise you that you could become their manager when your playing days were finished, so you hit tons of home runs and helped them win a bunch of pennants, only to be shoved out the door when the time came for them to make good on their promise? Is that why you're still mad at them sometimes, even though you tell people on your blog that you actually "forgive" Ed Barrow?*
*Did you also know that Ed Barrow, when he managed the Red Sox, thought the team would be better off with me as a starting pitcher rather than as a hitter? Did you know that Ed Barrow is in the Hall of Fame even though he was an incompetent, conniving moron? Do you know that Hall of Fame voters are only smart about 50% of the time?
All of a sudden I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't know why. Luckily, my intern tells me I've already addressed this issue. So just read that post and then we'll talk more about it when I feel up to it again.
I'm getting a lot of flak about some of my predictions. Some people think Prince Albert Pujols is gonna be on the Yankees eventually, and others think Tim Lipscome is gonna be with the Yanks. I dunno. I just don't see it. I think they'll happily keep playing in the weaker league and pad their numbers on the way to the Hall of Fame. I don't blame 'em. I'd'a done it too if I'd had the chance, but without free agency, I was stuck with the Yankees until they turned me loose when I got old, those lying bastards. But I got over it and I forgive those assholes, who, I have it on good authority, are rotting in hell as we speak. At least Ed Barrow is.*
*True story: Do you know what Harry Frazee's nickname for Ed Barrow was? "Simon," as in Simon Legree from that book Uncle Tom's Cabin.** And did you know that Barrow let Harry call him that, even though he knew he was being compared to a greedy slaveowner? That should give you an idea of what a mo-fo he was.
** I never read the book or anything, but Moe Berg (back when I was still talking to him) told me the story. FYI in case you were wondering, it's about slaves and shit. Written in like 1776 or something.
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the controversy over my prediction about the Yankees. My intern, whose name I don't know, maybe Timmy or Tommy or something, tells me that even Arrianna and Josh Marshall are talking about it, and I have no idea who they are. I assume the kid is telling me the truth.
Anyway, the prediction. So most of the people who emailed me about my post agree that Mauer, Kemp, Greinke, and the others are destined to become Yankees. That's not really the controversial part.
The controversial part is whether it's "good" for baseball that the Yankees are going to get so many great players. For example, here's a letter from a reader known as RD:
The Yankees represent all that is wrong with baseball. They have so much money because they're in the largest media market in teh country and they got a stadium given to them by Rudy Giuliani, so they can just buy pennant after pennant. The Yankees are why I stopped being a baseball fan. Now I only watch "pure" sports like curling.
Dude, first of all, you shouldn't admit to anyone that you follow curling. Second of all, you are an idiot. Third of all, you are a whiner. Fourth of all, what's wrong with the Yankees winning pennant after pennant? Fifth of all, what's your problem? Did your girlfriend leave you for a Yankee or something? Or maybe did the Yankees promise you that you could become their manager when your playing days were finished, so you hit tons of home runs and helped them win a bunch of pennants, only to be shoved out the door when the time came for them to make good on their promise? Is that why you're still mad at them sometimes, even though you tell people on your blog that you actually "forgive" Ed Barrow?*
*Did you also know that Ed Barrow, when he managed the Red Sox, thought the team would be better off with me as a starting pitcher rather than as a hitter? Did you know that Ed Barrow is in the Hall of Fame even though he was an incompetent, conniving moron? Do you know that Hall of Fame voters are only smart about 50% of the time?
All of a sudden I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't know why. Luckily, my intern tells me I've already addressed this issue. So just read that post and then we'll talk more about it when I feel up to it again.
Friday, March 12, 2010
A look into the future of the Yankees
Well, the 2010 season hasn't even begun yet, but you know ol' Babe: always thinking ahead. In fact, that's exactly what I was known for during my playing days. Other guys like Cobb and Hooper and Speaker seemed to only be playing for the next at bat or the next game. But I was always thinking strategically. All my bingeing and whoring made people THINK I only cared about myself, but actually I was just trying to fool the other team into thinking I wasn't capable of smacking the ball. It was all part of my grand plan. And it worked. It really did.
Anyway, so I was thinking about the future, maybe five years ahead. And here's what I see as the Yankee lineup in 2015:
C: Joe Mauer. You think the Twins can keep up with the Yankees? The Twins? Are you kidding me?
1B: Jesus Montero. He's a young catching stud but with Mauer in the fold, Jesus will move to first.
2B: Robinson Cano. He'll only be 33 and still raking.
SS: Hanley Ramirez. See "Mauer" above but replace "Twins" with "Marlins."
3B: Alex Rodriguez. He's ageless. He'll still be going strong.
LF: Jason Heyward. We'll trick the Braves into giving him up, just like we tricked them into giving up Vazquez this year.
CF: Austin Jackson. He's a Yankee farmhand, and his name just screams ballplayer.
RF: Matt Kemp. The Yanks can get him, no prob.
DH: Mark Tesheria. He's still gonna be boffing. (Is that the right word?)
Rotation: Zack Greinke (see Mauer above but replace Twins with Royals), Manuel Banuelos, Phil Hughes, CC Sabathia, David Robertson
Closer: Mariano Rivera. He's never gonna retire.
I estimate that the payroll for this team will be about $300 million, which the Yankees will afford by selling officially licensed jet packs, flying cars, and vacations to the moon.
Anyway, so I was thinking about the future, maybe five years ahead. And here's what I see as the Yankee lineup in 2015:
C: Joe Mauer. You think the Twins can keep up with the Yankees? The Twins? Are you kidding me?
1B: Jesus Montero. He's a young catching stud but with Mauer in the fold, Jesus will move to first.
2B: Robinson Cano. He'll only be 33 and still raking.
SS: Hanley Ramirez. See "Mauer" above but replace "Twins" with "Marlins."
3B: Alex Rodriguez. He's ageless. He'll still be going strong.
LF: Jason Heyward. We'll trick the Braves into giving him up, just like we tricked them into giving up Vazquez this year.
CF: Austin Jackson. He's a Yankee farmhand, and his name just screams ballplayer.
RF: Matt Kemp. The Yanks can get him, no prob.
DH: Mark Tesheria. He's still gonna be boffing. (Is that the right word?)
Rotation: Zack Greinke (see Mauer above but replace Twins with Royals), Manuel Banuelos, Phil Hughes, CC Sabathia, David Robertson
Closer: Mariano Rivera. He's never gonna retire.
I estimate that the payroll for this team will be about $300 million, which the Yankees will afford by selling officially licensed jet packs, flying cars, and vacations to the moon.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Yankees would be happy to oblige
Some blowhard says it's time for the Twins to think about trading Joe Mauer:
Hey, dudes who run the Twins, the Yankees are on line 3! And also, you might want to hire a food taster and check your cars before you start them.
If negotiations on a new deal continue to lag, the Twins might be forced to consider trading the hometown hero rather than risk losing him as a free agent.
Hey, dudes who run the Twins, the Yankees are on line 3! And also, you might want to hire a food taster and check your cars before you start them.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Ol' Babe does it again!
Well, comedy fans, you can thank ol' Babe for this one: Betty White is going to host Saturday Night Live, just a few days after I called for it. The rags are giving all the credit to that Facebooky thing, but we know who really has the juice: your pal Babe.
So congrats, Betty. You were great in The Flying Nun and The Gold Rush Girls, and you definitely have the comedy chops to host SNL.
Not that I'll be watching. I got better shit to do than watch NBC.
So congrats, Betty. You were great in The Flying Nun and The Gold Rush Girls, and you definitely have the comedy chops to host SNL.
Not that I'll be watching. I got better shit to do than watch NBC.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Here's a headline that makes me cry
Reds better than Yankees for a change
Excuse me? What world am I living in--or rather, what world am I observing? Did the Yankees just NOT win the World Series? Did they just NOT trade for Curt Granderson, making a great team even better?
Yes, they did do those things. And yet they didn't sign this kid Chapman who's supposed to be the hardest-throwing lefty since Herb Score. Who's running the show over in Yankeeland?
Memo to Hank or Hal Steinbrenner: It's worth $31 million just so that we'll never ever see a headline like that again.
If words aren't clear enough, maybe I can explain it in math terms:
Reds < Yankees
Or, to put it another way:
Yankees > Reds
It has always been that way and it will always be that way.
Anyway, this Chapman kid reminds me of another hard-throwing lefty from days gone by. Kid by the name of Ruth. Maybe you've heard of him?
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Live-blogging the Oscars
11:35 ET/8:35 PT: Damn, I missed the show. Sorry fans. To all the winners: Congratulations. To the losers: Cobb never won the big one either, and he turned into a nasty SOB. Don't be that way.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
How to honor me
Some Republican wants to put Ronald Reagan's face on a $50 bill. Apparently he loves ol' Ronnie so much he wants to keep him in his wallet so he can sit on Ronnie's face all the time. Dude, just grab a photo, find a room, and be done with it already.
Anyhoo, it got me thinking about how America can honor me better than it already is. I mean, all I have is a museum, a youth baseball league and some parks and streets. The baseball MVP Award isn't even named after me, which I may have mentioned before.
I would like the $20 bill. Considering all I've done for America, I don't think it's too much to ask for. Who even remembers Andrew Jackson anymore except that he's on the $20 bill? I mean, I know he fought in the Revolutionary War and married Pocahontas, but how many World Series did he win?
Alternately, someone could build a baseball Mount Rushmore and put me in the George Washington position. I would take that. And who would I want alongside me? Well, I would want my friends, of course, but the question is who deserves to be alongside me.
That's a toughie. There's only four spots. Let me think for a minute.
OK, here's who the baseball Mount Rushmore should include:
1. Me. I revolutionized baseball, after all.
2. Jackie Robinson. He revolutionized it too.
3. Walter Johnson. We need a pitcher, and he's the best there ever was, other than me (sorry Cy -- just be happy with that award).
4. Probably Connie Mack. Guy managed 50 years, he deserves this.
Apologies (not really) to Cobb, McGraw, Landis, Rickey, Mays, Marvin Miller, and all the rest. I've only got four spots.
Who do you think should join me on Mount Babe-more?
Anyhoo, it got me thinking about how America can honor me better than it already is. I mean, all I have is a museum, a youth baseball league and some parks and streets. The baseball MVP Award isn't even named after me, which I may have mentioned before.
I would like the $20 bill. Considering all I've done for America, I don't think it's too much to ask for. Who even remembers Andrew Jackson anymore except that he's on the $20 bill? I mean, I know he fought in the Revolutionary War and married Pocahontas, but how many World Series did he win?
Alternately, someone could build a baseball Mount Rushmore and put me in the George Washington position. I would take that. And who would I want alongside me? Well, I would want my friends, of course, but the question is who deserves to be alongside me.
That's a toughie. There's only four spots. Let me think for a minute.
OK, here's who the baseball Mount Rushmore should include:
1. Me. I revolutionized baseball, after all.
2. Jackie Robinson. He revolutionized it too.
3. Walter Johnson. We need a pitcher, and he's the best there ever was, other than me (sorry Cy -- just be happy with that award).
4. Probably Connie Mack. Guy managed 50 years, he deserves this.
Apologies (not really) to Cobb, McGraw, Landis, Rickey, Mays, Marvin Miller, and all the rest. I've only got four spots.
Who do you think should join me on Mount Babe-more?
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
The Babe's Greatest Hits
Hello readers,
I gotta be honest with you: I've written some pretty good stuff over the last 5-plus months I've been doing this blog. And as a service to you, my dear fans, I thought I'd post some links to my best stuff so that if you're new to the blog, you can get caught up quickly. If you've been with me since the beginning, then I'm certain you'll enjoy reading them all over again.
Enjoy!
- Dodgers will fold, making it slightly more difficult for the Yankees
- Mike Vaccaro, you are on notice
- My World Series Thoughts and Just as I thought
- The New York Way
- The Babe on Instant Replay
- This is what it's all about
- On competitive balance *chuckle*
- Reader Mail: Who was the toughest pitcher I faced?
- Pujols wins Babe Ruth Award
- My Thanksgiving
- My thoughts on Tiger Woods
- Reader Mail: Did I really call my shot?
- What it's like out here
- The Babe on the Hall of Fame
- Time for me to come clean
- The Babe Ruth Award
- Great story about Ol' Satch
- The #1 question people ask me
- Setting the record straight
- Lou Gehrig's Mom Can Suck It
Do you have a favorite post that's not on this list? Mention it in the comments. Thanks!
I gotta be honest with you: I've written some pretty good stuff over the last 5-plus months I've been doing this blog. And as a service to you, my dear fans, I thought I'd post some links to my best stuff so that if you're new to the blog, you can get caught up quickly. If you've been with me since the beginning, then I'm certain you'll enjoy reading them all over again.
Enjoy!
- Dodgers will fold, making it slightly more difficult for the Yankees
- Mike Vaccaro, you are on notice
- My World Series Thoughts and Just as I thought
- The New York Way
- The Babe on Instant Replay
- This is what it's all about
- On competitive balance *chuckle*
- Reader Mail: Who was the toughest pitcher I faced?
- Pujols wins Babe Ruth Award
- My Thanksgiving
- My thoughts on Tiger Woods
- Reader Mail: Did I really call my shot?
- What it's like out here
- The Babe on the Hall of Fame
- Time for me to come clean
- The Babe Ruth Award
- Great story about Ol' Satch
- The #1 question people ask me
- Setting the record straight
- Lou Gehrig's Mom Can Suck It
Do you have a favorite post that's not on this list? Mention it in the comments. Thanks!
Where's the baseball?
People have been asking me, Babe, why aren't you talking about baseball? Why have you been wasting your time with all these distractions like Vanna White and Jim Bunning and Lou Gehrig's mom? Don't you know baseball season is starting soon?
Yes, no shit baseball is starting soon. The key word there is "soon." It hasn't started yet.
Oh sure, spring training has started, but the news is so, so boring. Do you think ol' Babe gives a crap whether Justin Upton has signed a new contract, or who Baseball American's top prospects are, or what some traitorous ex-Yankee who is dead to me thinks about his new team? No, no, and hell no.
Sure, I care about baseball, but I have other interests too. The off-season is when I broaden my horizons. Don't snicker. Screw you for snickering.
This off season, for example, I learned a great deal about the U.S. Senate filibuster. Did you know that it only takes one asshole to gum up the entire U.S. government? If Cobb had known that, he would have gone into politics, and, while America as a whole would have suffered dearly, maybe the Detroit Tigers would've actually won a World Series during that time. (Snap!)
Anyhoo, real baseball will be here soon enough and my brain will be focused like a damn LASER beam on the subject. That means soon you'll once again be getting the most insightful baseball analysis and the most fascinating and well-told baseball stories available anywhere on the web.
In the meantime, stay tuned for upcoming posts about life, politics, Megan Fox, and other worthy subjects.
Yes, no shit baseball is starting soon. The key word there is "soon." It hasn't started yet.
Oh sure, spring training has started, but the news is so, so boring. Do you think ol' Babe gives a crap whether Justin Upton has signed a new contract, or who Baseball American's top prospects are, or what some traitorous ex-Yankee who is dead to me thinks about his new team? No, no, and hell no.
Sure, I care about baseball, but I have other interests too. The off-season is when I broaden my horizons. Don't snicker. Screw you for snickering.
This off season, for example, I learned a great deal about the U.S. Senate filibuster. Did you know that it only takes one asshole to gum up the entire U.S. government? If Cobb had known that, he would have gone into politics, and, while America as a whole would have suffered dearly, maybe the Detroit Tigers would've actually won a World Series during that time. (Snap!)
Anyhoo, real baseball will be here soon enough and my brain will be focused like a damn LASER beam on the subject. That means soon you'll once again be getting the most insightful baseball analysis and the most fascinating and well-told baseball stories available anywhere on the web.
In the meantime, stay tuned for upcoming posts about life, politics, Megan Fox, and other worthy subjects.
The elephant in the room
There's a topic out there that everybody's afraid to ask me about. I don't know why, but at parties and whatnot where I've heard other people talking about it, everytime I've walked up to the group, they've quieted down and changed the subject. So right here, right now I'm going to tackle it head on.
Yes, yes, I really do think Betty White should host Saturday Night Live! That lady is a national treasure, and she deserves all the accolades coming her way. I've followed her career very closely over the years, from her time as Sue Ann Nivens on the Mary Tyler More show to her role as one of the old ladies on Golden Girls, plus whatever other stuff she did before and in between and since. Every time, she has proven herself time and again to be a fabulous comedian (or is it comedienne?).
Sure, she's not all that hot anymore, but only because she's about 95 years old. You should have seen her back when she was in that other show back about 50 years ago or whatever. Or maybe it was 60 or 70 years ago, I don't know all the details. But she was pretty hot. Or maybe I'm getting her confused with Ann-Margret. She was pretty hot too.
Anyway, all I know is that Betty White deserves to be on Saturday Night Live. Betty, if you're reading, tell your agent that ol' Babe thinks you have the chops to host that show. I mean, have you watched that show lately? It really sucks. Other than the Digital Short by Andy Sandlerberg, you can usually watch the entire thing without cracking a smile. Betty White would be a breath of fresh air, even if she is older than dirt.
Now, when does baseball season start again?
Yes, yes, I really do think Betty White should host Saturday Night Live! That lady is a national treasure, and she deserves all the accolades coming her way. I've followed her career very closely over the years, from her time as Sue Ann Nivens on the Mary Tyler More show to her role as one of the old ladies on Golden Girls, plus whatever other stuff she did before and in between and since. Every time, she has proven herself time and again to be a fabulous comedian (or is it comedienne?).
Sure, she's not all that hot anymore, but only because she's about 95 years old. You should have seen her back when she was in that other show back about 50 years ago or whatever. Or maybe it was 60 or 70 years ago, I don't know all the details. But she was pretty hot. Or maybe I'm getting her confused with Ann-Margret. She was pretty hot too.
Anyway, all I know is that Betty White deserves to be on Saturday Night Live. Betty, if you're reading, tell your agent that ol' Babe thinks you have the chops to host that show. I mean, have you watched that show lately? It really sucks. Other than the Digital Short by Andy Sandlerberg, you can usually watch the entire thing without cracking a smile. Betty White would be a breath of fresh air, even if she is older than dirt.
Now, when does baseball season start again?
Monday, March 1, 2010
Jim Bunning: Ty Cobb's favorite senator
Jim Bunning, the Hall of Fame pitcher and batshit insane Republican senator from Kentucky, is at it again:
Because of Bunning, 2,000 federal employees will be furloughed, thousands of others will lose unemployment benefits, and doctors will see a 21% cut in their Medicare reimbursements.
Cobb is loving every minute of it. "People thought I was an asshole for roughing up some guy with no hands who was heckling me," he told me this morning. "Bunning makes me look positively lovable. I can't wait to meet the motherfucker."
On Monday, Bunning got in a little confrontation with reporters who were asking him about his decision to block that legislation. He reportedly gave the middle finger to one producer from ABC News, and then he headed to an elevator generally reserved for senators, where he got into an on-camera argument with reporters.
Because of Bunning, 2,000 federal employees will be furloughed, thousands of others will lose unemployment benefits, and doctors will see a 21% cut in their Medicare reimbursements.
Cobb is loving every minute of it. "People thought I was an asshole for roughing up some guy with no hands who was heckling me," he told me this morning. "Bunning makes me look positively lovable. I can't wait to meet the motherfucker."
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