Also missing from the iPad

You know what else the Apple iPad doesn't have? Handlebars. Are you listening Apple?

Great story about Ol' Satch

In case you missed it yesterday, there's a great story going around the internets about the time Joe D. got a hit off Satchel Paige in a barnstorming game in Oakland in 1936. You gotta read it.

Reminds me of the time I faced Satchel in an exhibition game. I'll never forget it -- it's seared into my memory. Must've been around 1932. It was an all-star game type of thing. I don't remember where we were, maybe North Dakota or something, but the stands were completely overrun with fans. By the time I came up for the first time, Satch had struck out Lou, Jimmie Foxx, Al Simmons, and Joe Cronin in succession. I came up and he got two strikes on me. Then I stepped out of the box, pointed my fingers out to center field as if to say, "I'm gonna smack the next pitch over that fence." The next pitch, damned if I didn't do just what I predicted -- a home run to center!

It was a great, great moment for me, and I'm sure even Satch loved it too.

The Babe Ruth Award

So you remember how I've been lobbying for the Lords of Baseball to rename the MVP Award as The Babe Ruth Award? It's OK, I didn't remember either, but my intern Sasha informed me that I've been talking about it since November, at least.

Anyhoo, not to repeat myself, but:

If you're going to name the pitching award after the greatest pitcher, doesn't it make sense to name the player award after the greatest player?

So now I come to find out that there actually is a Babe Ruth Award, and Alex Ramirez won it the other day.

Rodriguez completed a tumultuous season that began with an awkward confession to past steroid use and then hip surgery that kept him out until May by being selected the winner of the Babe Ruth Award as the New York chapter of the Baseball Writers' Association of America's postseason MVP.

Let me get this straight: The award that is named after the greatest player in baseball history is some rinky-dink award sponsored by a chapter of the baseball writers association? Not even the entire BBWAA, but just a chapter of it?

And it goes to the MVP of the "postseason," which includes playoffs, even though I never played in a single "playoff" game? (All my "postseason" games were World Series -- or "the big chihuahua," as Dolf Luque liked to say.)

You know what this country needs, in addition to health care reform, banking reform, and entitlements reform? Baseball Awards Reform. Here's how things need to be:

- Babe Ruth Award: MVP
- Cy Young Award: Pitcher of the year (no change)
- Jackie Robinson Award: Rookie of the year (no change)
- Dennis Eckersley Award: Top closer
- Gold Glove Awards: Top fielders (no change)
- Roberto Clemente Award: Top humanitarian (no change)
- Connie Mack Award: Manager of the year

That's it. No more "Silver Slugger" or Hank Aaron Awards or Comeback Player of the Year, because nobody knows or cares who wins those.

Two weeks after the World Series, Fox or TBS should broadcast a special awards night in which everyone gets dressed up and hands out these awards. They can show highlights of the nominated players and documentaries about me, and also give out a lifetime achievement award and all that stuff.

They can even sell the crap out of the show: AT&T Presents The State Farm Baseball Awards Show Sponsored by Big League Chew or whatever. I don't care.

But the way it's going is stupid and needs to be changed.

The Babe on Steroids (again)

Last week we had the McGwire thing, and I gave you my thoughts on steroids. That really should have been the end of it, but cranky writers and old ballplayers and bloggers keep talking about it, and I'm like: Dudes, I already addressed the issue, so you can move on to other things, like talking about the Yankees and how they're going to repeat.

But they're not listening, so I guess I have to address the issue again, and hopefully for the last time. Here goes:

There has never been a "pure" time in baseball history. Every era is tainted in some way. Blacks weren't allowed when I played, so I never had to face Rube Foster or Satchel Paige. In a later era, ballplayers downed amphetamines like M&Ms. Night games, high pitching mounds, substandard equipment, dead baseballs, legal spitballs, no recruiting from Latin America or Asia, incompetent managers, lying owners -- all of it has had an effect on baseball in one way or another, and it's all reflected in the record books.

The 1990s are going to be known as the Steroid Era, and the record and history books will reflect it. And that's fine. But that's as far as it should go, and will go.

All these idiots who want to throw out all the records from the Steroid Era need to shut up. It's not gonna happen. You can't change history. It's like all the blowhards who write a column every year whining about the BCS and the lack of a college football playoff. Or the pundits who are saying it's time for the Democrats in Congress to stop acting like a bunch of fucking three year olds who can't find their precious teddy bear and start showing some balls in the face of Republican attacks.

Not. Gonna. Happen.

So take some advice from ol' Babe: Give it a rest. The rest of us are ready to move on.

Buck Naked Elected to Senate

Now you see why I got the fuck out of Boston first chance I could. Electing a nude male model to Ted Kennedy's seat? Doesn't surprise me in the least from that cowtown.

Cobb defends "Madeline"

So Cobb comes up to me yesterday, with his eyes all squinty and Cobb-like, and starts screaming in my face. I could barely understand him because I was fascinated by all the spittle gathering on the edges of his lips. Finally he stopped for a second and I said, Who are you again?

He didn't think it was funny and started in again. Long story short, he's all pissed because in my confession from a couple days ago, I blamed "Madeline" from Madame Josephine's brothel for nearly ruining my career.

"I visited Madeline at least two dozen times," he tells me, after he calmed down, "and I never had all the shit you described. Itching, trouble with pissing, not me. In fact, my batting average after my visits with Madeline was .426, according to some nerd who wrote a research paper on me for SABR."

I didn't even want to get into it with Cobb. If his immune system was so jacked that visiting Typhoid Mary actually improved his health, then bully for him. Something to really be proud of.

Blyleven's HOF snub: finally, a good explanation

"Something happened a long time ago in Holland [where Blyleven was born], and people might not want to talk about it. He was under the heel of a bad baseball coach ... and he got together with his dad and swore a pact to the devil. He said, 'I will serve you if you will get me free from this coach.' True story. So the devil said, 'OK, it's a deal.' And so Bert had a great career, winning 287 games and finishing in the top 5 all-time in strikeouts. But the baseball writers keep snubbing him year after year, and it's because of that pact with Satan. We need to pray for him. And out of this snub I'm optimistic something good may come."

- Pat Robertson

Sarah Palin and the Hall of Fame

If Sarah Palin had a vote for the Hall of Fame, here's what her ballot would say: "All of 'em."

Time for me to come clean

Now that I have this blog, I have the chance to do something that I wish I was able to do 50+ years ago.

I never knew when, but I always knew this day would come. It's time for me to talk about the past and to confirm what people have suspected. I visited whorehouses during my playing career and after, and I apologize. I remember trying hookers very briefly in the 1919/1920 off season and then after I set the home run record in 1919, I visited whorehouses again. I visited hookers on occasion throughout the '20s and '30s, including during the 1927 season, when I set the home run record yet again.

I wish I had never even met "Madeline," a dame at Madame Josephine's brothel. It was foolish and it was a mistake. I truly apologize. Looking back, I wish I had never taken Ty Cobb's advice and visited that whorehouse.

During the mid-'20s, I went on the DL a couple times and missed some games due to my exposure to Madeline. I experienced a lot of pain, including soreness, itchiness, and difficulty urinating. It was definitely a miserable time and I told myself that other hookers could help me recover faster. I thought they would help me feel better about life, too. (They did, of course, but that's totally beside the point.)

I'm sure people will wonder if I could have hit all those home runs had I never visited whorehouses. I had good games when I didn't visit any and I had bad games when I didn't visit any. I had good games when I did visit whorehouses and I had bad games when I visited whorehouses. But no matter what, I shouldn't have done it and for that I'm truly sorry.

Baseball is really different now – it's been cleaned up. The commissioner and the players' association implemented started stationing detectives at every known whorehouse and they cracked down, and I'm glad they did. Especially now that I'm dead and don't have access to them.

After all this time, I want to come clean. I was not in a position to do that 53 years ago before I died, but now I feel an obligation to discuss this and to answer questions about it. I’ll do that, and then I just want to be there for my fans. And Claire.

Breaking news: McGwire took steroids.

And in other news, the Pope is Catholic.

Well, Marc Maguire came clean today, admitting that he used steroids throughout his career, including 1998, when he broke my home run record.*

*I know, Roger Maris actually held the record, but I still consider it mine.

I'm not gonna quote from Big Mac's statement because you can find that stuff elsewhere. But everyone's asking me what I think about this news, and so I'm going to tell you what I think.

- First of all, it was obvious to anyone who followed baseball at the time that he was using. Just look at that big lug! But I'm sure you, my smart readers, weren't fooled anyway.

- Does he need to apologize? Hell no! Steroids saved his career and made him rich. Why should he apologize for that?

- What I'd like to see him talk about is the effects of steroids on his body today. Is he suffering today as a result of what he did then?

- If he thinks people are going to leave him in peace now, I think he's right in general. The fans will forgive him. But there is a class of "outrage professionals" who won't be satisfied. I'm talking about people like John Heyman, of Sports Illustrated:

On October 28th, SI's Jon Heyman wrote "now that he's been hired as Cardinals hitting coach, it's time for Mark McGwire to come clean." Moments ago on Twitter, Heyman said "if you lie for 10 years, and everyone knows you're lying, what's the value of finally telling the truth?

(h/t Craig Calcaterra, Circling the Bases)

Unfortunately, these holy writers have Twitter and blogs and newspapers, so their voices will be pretty loud.

- Any old-timer or holy writer who expresses outrage over steroids needs to ask themselves the key question: "If I'd had the opportunity to take them, knowing they might prolong my career and help me hit craploads more homers, would I have shot up?"

For me, the answer is, probably. It depends on what I thought they might do to me long term.

Now, I would never advise my nephew or anyone else to take steroids. But with millions of dollars hanging in the balance, I think I would've at least tried them. And you can't say that you wouldn't have tried them, too.

- Did Macguire (and Bonds) cheat his way to his record? Hmm, that's a tough one. One the one hand, they weren't breaking any rules of baseball, because baseball didn't ban the drugs until about 2003 or so.

On the other hand... Um. There must be another hand. Steroids without prescription were/are illegal, I guess, so that's the other hand.

But who cares what the law says, we're talking about sports!

My conclusion: Macgwire and Bonds didn't cheat, so why the hell are we still talking about this?

Although I can't believe I'm in agreement with Bud Selig on this, but... Time to move on.

I hear Derek Jeter's getting married. Or not.

The world according to Rudy Giuliani

I think Mr. Mayor is right when he says that "We had no domestic attacks under Bush." I mean, who would consider 9/11 as a "domestic attack" anyway? Certainly not the man who owes his entire existence to that day.

Anyway, since I have the power as a ghost to get inside anyone's head and know what they're thinking, here's what I found in Giuliani's head:

- The Yankees won the 2001 World Series and four more under Bush.

- I never played for the Red Sox. I was born a Yankee.

- Lou Gehrig beat his disease, defeated the Nazis, and ran for president in 1952 as a Republican. He won and served two terms.

- Giuliani was scouted and signed by the Yankees, and would have replaced Mickey Mantle in centerfield, but he turned down the chance because, "I can do more good for the world as a prosecutor."

- In the 1980s, Giuliani watched Reagan beat Gorbachev in a wrestling match, resulting in the Berlin wall coming down.

- My scariest discovery of all: He thinks people actually give a shit about what he says.

UPDATE:
So it looks like Rudy is apologizing for his remarks. Now he just needs to apologize for being a jackass.

Dumbest post of 2010

I know it's early, but we have a strong candidate for the dumbest blog post of 2010: Babe Ruth As Your Yankee 2010 Left Fielder.

Dumb for the following reasons:

- I'm dead.
- My playing career is long over.
- If I were to come back, I wouldn't play for a measly $200,000. My asking would be $40 million-plus, in addition to incentives, a free private jet for Claire, and a bowl of M&Ms with the green ones removed every day in my locker.
- I'm dead.

I guess the offseason is a little too long for Mr. Francis Isberto that he has to come up with this doozy.

Let me know if you ever see a post dumber than his in 2010.

Angry at the Hall of Fame

I got nothing against Andre Dawson, who, in case you haven't heard, was elected to Cooperstown today. Apparently he is a classy guy, and he was pretty good there for a few years. But it is a sin against baseball that the holy writers ignored my picks for the Hall altogether.

All you muthas in the BBWAA who didn't vote for Robby, Alan, Barry, Bert, and Timmy, know this: I'm gonna haunt the fuck out of your dreams tonight. And tomorrow. And for the next few weeks until I'm tired of doing it.

Meantime, I was finally able to soothe my anger by reading this list from some site called Perpetual post: The Sexual Innuendo All Stars.

Highlights:
2B Stubby Clapp
SS Jack Glasscock
RF Johnny Dickshot
LF Dick Burns
P Cannonball Titcomb

Read the whole list and tell me that it doesn't make the snubbing of Tim Raines a little easier to take.

The Babe on the Hall of Fame

It's almost Hall of Fame time again, when the new inductees are announced. Everybody and their cousin Sal is writing about who should be in and whatnot, like this dude and this curly-haired dude, and this dude who rips apart both the first dude's and the second dude's stupid arguments.

Anyway, I think it's time for ol' Babe to tell you a few things about the Hall and settle the discussion once and for all.

Why should you listen?

1. Because I was a member of the first class of the Hall back in '37 or whatever, and who knows more about the Hall than its first member?

2. I'm Babe Ruth.

So here's what I have to say about the Hall of Fame:

1. Some pundits and fans try to justify denying a player election to the Hall by saying some crap like, "He doesn't belong up there with Babe Ruth and Willie Mays. It's the Hall of FAME, not the Hall of VERY GOOD."

First of all, that BS about FAME vs. VERY GOOD is not clever anymore. It stopped being clever in 1939. So please stop. Now.

Second, if me and Willie were THE standards for the Hall of Fame, then the Hall would have about 20 members, such as (off the top of my head) me, Willie, Satchel, Oscar, Ted, Lou, Ty, Honus, Cy, Lefty, Seaver, Walter, Mickey, Schmidt, Jackie, Hank, and a few more. But it doesn't: it has about 250 members, so stop using me and Willie as your dividing lines between your Hall of Fame and your Hall of Very Good.

(And need I even point out that if I'm your dividing line, then the Hall would have exactly one member, me. Screw the false modesty; let's admit reality here.)

2. Some of you justify keeping guys out with some BS argument like, "He doesn't FEEL like a Hall of Famer to me."

Are you in the Hall of Fame? No? Then how the hell do you know what the Hall of Fame feels like? You wanna know what it feels like, then ask a goddamn Hall of Famer. Like me.

3. If you're an actual Hall of Famer who reads this blog, this one is directed at you: You're not qualified to judge who belongs and who doesn't. By and large, ballplayers are not a very smart bunch of guys, let's be honest. Most of us never went to college, and we only were able to finish high school because the teachers didn't want to flunk out the best athlete in the school. And we had all the hot dames helping us with our homework.

If you put us in charge of selecting Hall of Famers, then we're just going to vote for our friends and teammates. Which is exactly what happened in the 1970s when Frankie Frisch got a bunch of lesser lights from my era got selected (George Kelly, Freddie Lindstrom, Dave Bancroft, and others who played when I did but who I never even heard of at the time).

4. There is one exception to rule #3: me. No, I didn't have a formal education, but I've lived enough and followed baseball enough to put myself a few cuts above your typical ballplayer. Plus, I'm Babe Ruth, and I revolutionized baseball. My opinion about the Hall of Fame matters.

5. So who would I choose from this year's Hall of Fame ballot? Here's the list you've been waiting for:

- Tim Raines. He's so much better than about half the outfielders already in the Hall. Speed, smarts, a little power.

- Bert Blyleven. You need to stop worshipping at the alter of wins and really take a look at this guy's career. He was great for many years.

- Barry Larkin. Compares favorably with the great shortstops of all time.

- Robby Alomar. Best second baseman of the last 25 years.

- Alan Trammell. Mostly for his playing career, but he deserves extra credit for surviving the 2003 Tigers without taking his own life.

I'm not ready to pull the trigger on Edgar Martinez right now, but I could come around on him.

As for Jack Morris, Andre Dawson, Dave Parker, and Dale Murphy, I could never support them because they're not good enough.

And finally, Donnie Baseball: You know I love you. You were awesome there for a few years, and you showed class during a low point in Yankees history. But you're just not good enough for the Hall of Fame.

Maybe the Hall of Very Good.

Ha ha, just kidding. You see how annoying that is?