The #1 question people ask me

You know what question people are always asking me? "Babe, how do you think you would hit if you played baseball today?"

My answer is always, "About .300 with 30 homers."

And they always say, "That's all?"

And I always say, "Yes, but you have to remember: I'm dead."

It always gets a big laugh, and I never give credit to the asshole who first made that joke.

But in all seriousness, the real question is, how would I do if I was in my baseball-playing prime in the year 2010?

The answer is simple: I would kick some serious ass.

Let me explain what I mean by "I would kick some serious ass."

- "I": Me, Babe Ruth, the greatest baseball player of all time.

- "would": This is like another version of the word "will", except for something that didn't happen and probably never will actually happen. It's called the conditional subjunctive pluperfect tense, or some shit like that.

- "kick": I don't mean this literally. It's more of an expression. See "ass" below.

- "some": Notice I say "some" and not "all." That means I don't actually think I would hit 1.000 or slam a home run every time up. I would make a few outs now and then. I'm humble enough to admit it.

- "serious": Normally, "serious" means, um, you know, serious, like not joking. But in this case, I mean something like "a shitload of".

- "ass": OK, this goes with the word "kick" above. By "kick ass" I generally mean dominate, strike fear into the hearts of opposing pitchers and managers. (But if someone tried to throw at my head, I would charge the mound, grab the chickenshit pitcher by the waist, and actually and truly kick him in the ass.)

I'll leave it to the stathead geeks try to figure out what my batting average would be and how many home runs I would hit. Some dork at SABR probably has tried already. You can believe that if you want, but take it from me: A shitload of asses would be forever sore if I was playing baseball as a young man today.